Having a difficult relationship with your mother-in-law can be extremely challenging. As Christians, we are called to love and forgive others, even when it is difficult. However, toxic behaviors can strain relationships and negatively impact our lives. What guidance does the Bible offer on navigating tricky relationships with mother-in-laws? Let’s explore what Scripture says.
Introduction
In-law relationships bring unique dynamics to families. Becoming “one flesh” in marriage intrinsically ties our families together (Genesis 2:24). Just as marriage takes work, these expanded family relationships require effort and understanding from all parties. Mother-in-laws specifically play influential roles, as they remain mothers to their children and become integral parts of their kids’ new families. Like all relationships, there can be joy and pain. At times, toxicity can emerge and strain the family.
As Christians, we know that all people are imperfect and relationships take patience, humility, wisdom and reliance on God. We also know that toxicity and abuse have no place in God’s design for families. Scripture offers truths relevant to handling the complexities that can arise with mother-in-laws.
Key Takeaways:
- Toxic behaviors must be addressed, not enabled. Set boundaries where needed.
- Focus on your own actions and reactions, not changing others.
- Approach issues with gentleness, patience and grace. Don’t retaliate.
- Forgive willingly. Don’t hold grudges or keep record of wrongs.
- Pray for those who mistreat you. Bless them. Allow God to work in hearts.
- Lean on your spouse for support and unity. Keep matters between you.
- If setting boundaries fails, limit time together to reduce hurt.
- In abusive situations, safety comes first. Create a plan to protect yourself.
Looking at biblical principles can help us understand God’s perspective on navigating toxicity from a mother-in-law and guide us toward wise responses. Let’s explore what Scripture reveals.
- Introduction
- Honor and Respect Them as Mothers and Elders
- Be Wise In Setting Boundaries
- Be Slow to Anger and Quick to Forgive
- Do Not Repay Evil for Evil
- Prayerfully Leave Matters in God's Hands
- Let Go of Offenses
- Be Equally Yoked
- Limit Time in Difficult Relationships
- Seek Safety in Abusive Situations
- Conclusion
Honor and Respect Them as Mothers and Elders
The Bible instructs us to honor our fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12). This commandment establishes parents’ position and calls children to value and respect them. It does not say to honor only perfect parents. We honor the role entrusted to them. The principle applies to in-laws (Proverbs 23:22). Scripture tells us to show particular honor to the elderly, which includes mothers-in-law (Leviticus 19:32). We are to rise in their presence and show deference to their position as older generations.
Does this mean allowing disrespect or toxicity from mother-in-laws because of their position? No. We can honor someone’s role while establishing boundaries around poor treatment. We can have compassion for their weaknesses without condoning sinful actions. Honor operates within the context of holiness and wisdom.
Bible verses on honoring parents:
- Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
- Proverbs 23:22 “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
- Leviticus 19:32 “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.”
As Christians, we should approach mother-in-laws (and all family members) with an attitude of honor and deference. This establishes a spirit of humility, respect and value from which to operate.
Be Wise In Setting Boundaries
Scripture calls us to honor; it does not require us to accept sinful treatment or toxicity from family members. Biblically, we havepermission to set wise boundaries and takemeasures to limit hurt in relationships. God created families, but not all family dynamics align with His design.
The Bible advises being cautious and limiting time with quarrelsome and foolish people (Proverbs 20:3, 22:10). For our own well-being, we can limit time in toxic relationships. Scripture also addresses correcting and rebuking those who sin against us. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives instructions for confronting brothers who sin that can apply to family members. First, we approach them individually and call out the offense. If they refuse to listen, we involve one or two others. If things remain unresolved, we involve leadership. The goal is restoration, but these steps allow us to biblically address issues inflicting harm.
In egregious situations involving abuse and violence, Scripture permits separation and divorce (Genesis 21:10, Ezra 10:3, 1 Corinthians 7:15). The Bible does not require enduring persistent, unrepentant sin against us. God wants us to value ourselves and live in safety. Biblically, we can implement whatever protections are needed.
Bible verses on boundaries:
- Proverbs 22:10 “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.”
- Proverbs 20:3 “It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.”
- Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault… if he does not listen…take one or two others along… if he refuses to listen…tell it to the church.”
Scripture allows us to set wise boundaries and limit harm in toxic relationships. We take biblical steps to address issues while trusting God to work.
Be Slow to Anger and Quick to Forgive
Scripture consistently directs us toward patience, grace and forgiveness – even when it’s extremely difficult. Romans 12:18 tells us to live at peace with everyone as far as it depends on us. Philippians 4:5 says to be gentle toward all. We cannot control other people, but God calls us to model His grace and aim for restoration (Galatians 6:1).
Extending forgiveness is a hallmark of our faith. Colossians 3:13 instructs us to bear with one another and forgive grievances. Just as Christ forgave us, we are to forgive others – even repeat offenders (Matthew 18:21-22). Forgiveness is a command and virtue we must cultivate.
This does not mean enduring abuse or toxicity. Boundaries still apply. We can limit contact and implement protections while maintaining a heart of forgiveness. We release others from judgement and condemnation and allow God to be the ultimate judge. We do not tolerate sin, but we give it over to the Lord. Forgiveness breaks sin’s power over our hearts. We do not excuse wrongs but release them so we can walk in freedom.
Bible verses on forgiveness:
- Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
- Philippians 4:5 “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.”
- Galatians 6:1 “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”
- Colossians 3:13 “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
- Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
Forgiveness should be our posture, while still establishing boundaries as needed. This allows God’s grace to prevail.
Do Not Repay Evil for Evil
It can be extremely tempting to retaliate against toxic behaviors. When hurt, we want justice. However, Romans 12:17 warns us not to repay evil for evil. Scripture says vengeance belongs to the Lord (Deuteronomy 32:35). He promises to defend and vindicate us in His timing (Psalm 103:6). Retaliating only perpetuates conflict.
Instead, Scripture tells us to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). We bless those who persecute us and do not curse them (Luke 6:28). Imagine how disarmed and surprised a toxic mother-in-law would feel receiving blessing and kindness instead of retaliation. When we let go of anger and do good, we allow God’s grace to prevail.
This does not mean allowing people to mistreat us. We can still implement appropriate protections. It means we do not lower ourselves to return the same hurtful attitudes and actions. We break free from the cycle through humility, grace and faith that God will handle justice His way.
Bible verses on repaying evil:
- Romans 12:17 “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all”
- Romans 12:19 “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'”
- Luke 6:28 “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”
- Romans 12:21 “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Rather than retaliating, we can trust God to defend us. Our role is overcoming evil with good and allowing His grace to soften hearts.
Prayerfully Leave Matters in God’s Hands
Scripture calls us to pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Bringing matters before God should be our first response, not last resort. We know that prayer changes situations and transforms hearts. When challenging relationships arise, we can immediately appeal to the Father for help.
The Bible instructs us to pray blessing over those who mistreat us. In Luke 6:28, Jesus commanded praying for and blessing those who curse us. Romans 12:14 says to bless those who persecute us. Lifting up people in prayer releases matters to God for His perfect will to be done. We get out of the way and allow Him to work beyond anything we can imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
Praying for others also changes our own hearts. It is difficult to remain angry and vengeful toward someone we are interceding for. Praying transforms how we see people. As we bless them, God fills our hearts with His love. Supernatural understanding and compassion arise. We begin to see others as God sees them.
Bible verses on prayer:
- 1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Pray without ceasing”
- Luke 6:28 “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”
- Romans 12:14 “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.”
- Ephesians 3:20 “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us”
Covering relationships in prayer allows God to move mightily. As we intercede and bless others, He shapes our hearts and opens doors only He can.
Let Go of Offenses
Choosing to forgive means letting go of offenses. Forgiveness that maintains a record of wrongs or nurses grudges is not true forgiveness. 1 Corinthians 13, known as the love chapter, says love “keeps no record of wrongs” (v. 5 NIV). Holding onto hurts does not benefit us and displeases God.
Jesus warned that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive our sins (Matthew 6:15). Just as God casts our sins from us when we repent (Micah 7:19), we must release others from past wrongs. This allows us to operate in freedom rather than perpetual angst.
Replaying old wounds fuels unforgiveness and bitterness. When past hurts resurface, we must pray and consciously surrender them to the Lord. We may have to repeatedly turn them over, but Scripture tells us to keep no record of wrongs. Maintaining an offense log only imprisons us. As we release each grievance, God empowers us to love and see others through His redemptive lens.
Bible verses on letting go of offenses:
- 1 Corinthians 13:5 “It keeps no record of wrongs.” (NIV translation)
- Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
- Micah 7:19 “You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.”
- Hebrews 12:15 “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.”
We walk in God’s freedom and grace when we release grievances. Maintaining offense records imprisons our hearts.
Be Equally Yoked
Marriage inherently links us to another family. When difficulties arise, we need our spouses to be united advocates alongside us. Genesis 2:24 describes becoming “one flesh,” a profound spiritual and physical union. Spouses must nurture this oneness.
The Bible discourages marriages where partners are unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). Believers and unbelievers often have competing worldviews and priorities which can fracture the oneness marriage requires. While this passage addresses spiritual differences, the principle applies to relationships too. When a spouse maintains divisive alliances with family members who undermine their partner, the oneness suffers.
Marriage vows establish the marital union above all other bonds. Problems arise when this God-ordained hierarchy becomes distorted. Jesus said a man will “be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). This union must be nurtured and protected. Spouses should have each other’s backs when facing family challenges. United, couples can better walk in God’s wisdom regarding fragile relationships.
Bible verses on marriage:
- Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
- 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.”
- Matthew 19:5 “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'”
- Ecclesiastes 4:12 “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
God designed marriage to be an unbreakable, united bond. This oneness helps couples navigate tricky family dynamics.
Limit Time in Difficult Relationships
When destructive dynamics persist despite efforts to increase understanding and establish boundaries, limiting contact can become necessary. Scripture permits this. The Bible advises cautiously approaching arguments and strife (Proverbs 20:3). We honor our mother-in-laws but not toxic behaviors. To protect our peace, we can limit time in tense relationships.
God wants us to pursue peace in all relationships (Romans 12:18). But when others remain difficult, He allows us to steward our interactions wisely. Scripture instructs removing ourselves from the company of fools and vicious people (Proverbs 14:7). Biblically, we are not required to remain in situations causing perpetual unrest.
Reducing time together does not mean cutting off family completely. It simply establishes healthy parameters that allow us to operate in godly love and limits opportunities for conflict. We set aside regular visits to call, write or see each other. The focus becomes quality over quantity interactions. We also release unrealistic expectations that everyone must be close friends. Loving from a distance allows hearts to cool and life to be enjoyed.
Bible verses on limited contact:
- Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
- Proverbs 20:3 “It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife.”
- Proverbs 14:7 “Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.”
- Romans 14:19 “So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”
In difficult relationships, assessing what nurtures peace and limiting damaging contact is biblically prudent. This protects our joy.
Seek Safety in Abusive Situations
The principles covered so far address general toxicity and conflict. But in situations involving abuse, addiction or violence, stronger protections must be established – including eliminating contact. Scripture gives permission to separate entirely from destructive and dangerous patterns (Proverbs 27:12). Our physical and emotional safety must take priority.
Steps should be taken to create distance and prevent future harm, including: moving away, blocking phone numbers, securing restraining orders, changing locks and any other reasonable precautions. Scripture says, “Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter” (Proverbs 24:11). We are fully authorized to take action preserving and protecting life.
In abusive and dangerous situations, forgiveness can be extended from a distance. We can release bitterness and anger without enabling dysfunction. But restoring trust and allowing further access requires true repentance and transformation from the abusive person. Even after change occurs, wisdom must be applied regarding reengagement. We should not feel pressure to reconcile or restore intimacy where there are legitimate safety concerns.
Bible verses on abuse protections:
- Proverbs 27:12 “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
- Proverbs 24:11 “Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter.”
- Psalm 11:5 “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.”
- Romans 13:10 “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”
If abuse is present, Scripture fully supports eliminating contact and taking prudent steps to prevent further harm. Our loving God wants us safe.
Conclusion
Like all relationships, dynamics with mother-in-laws have inherent complexities. When toxicity arises, applying biblical wisdom allows us to navigate these challenging waters while honoring God in our responses. We avoid excuses for sinful treatment, but approach matters with grace. Creating healthy boundaries guards our hearts while leaving room for God to work in His timing. When we anchor to scriptural principles and the Holy Spirit’s leading, we can rise above family strife and experience the freedom God
